The Lusty Vegan: 5 Health F*ck Ups Guaranteed to Slaughter Your Sex Drive


“Remember when sex was a thing we used to have?”

Summer is over, and fall is here. The change of season can make you a little wonky; You’re just getting into that summertime routine and then BAM, days are short again and you need a jacket. When your schedule is out of whack, you may not be making the healthiest of choices, and your sex drive may suffer for it. Below are a handful of health-don’t’s guaranteed to stall that “it’s chilly so let’s build a fire…a pants fire” feeling.

Skimp on sleep.

Once I was hooking up with someone who literally fell asleep mid fingerbang. While booze may have been a culprit, it was pretty devastating to my ego, and I used the situation as arsenal for the rest of our relationship. “Oh yeah, why don’t you just fall asleep while we’re boning again.”

Even if you don’t fall asleep during the act, being tired will not make you feel sexy, or put you in the mood. Actually, exhaustion will probably make you fall asleep the minute you faceplant the pillow. I mean…gracefully lay your head to rest.

Eat a f*ck-ton of salt.

Salt makes you bloated, sluggish and can give you a killer headache. After chinese takeout or that extra-large order of nachos, the only threesome I’m having is with my sweats and the couch.

Oh heavenly sweet potato fries…

Don’t drink water.

Water keeps you alert, flushes out all sorts of toxins and salt (from the aforementioned nachos, perhaps?) and keeps you looking and feeling fresh and fit. When in doubt, chug a few cups of water.

Skip your workouts.

For me, looking good is basically all mental. If I don’t feel good, no matter what the mirror says, I am convinced I don’t look good. It works the other way too. If I’ve been eating well and working on my fitness this week, I am convinced I look way better than I did last week when I skipped workouts and ate all of my feelings. It doesn’t matter if I look exactly the same, I will feel sexier, and therefor more sex will be had.

Be really stressed.

All of the above mentioned—a lack of sleep, a crappy diet, dehydration and a lack of physical activity—combined create the perfect breeding ground for stress. And when you’re stressed, you don’t want to have sex with anyone—not even yourself.

So, if you feel like celebating, (that’s a sex-free party, folks), then do all of the above. I promise, your bloated, sleepy self won’t want to have sex with anyone, not even that hot Pinky Paul dude from Breaking Bad everyone is losing their shit over.

I originally wrote this post for Haven’t been there? You should!!


About SexyTofu

Good food. Good sex. Good fun.
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