Recently, I was texting an ex about a situation he was in with a new girlfriend. (Yes, I’m THAT ex-girlfriend). This particular guy is very experimental, and so far the sex with his new girl had been totally vanilla. Still in their fledgling stage of romance, he wasn’t sure when or how to pull his freak out card out.
“I really like her, and I don’t want to freak her out… I can barely muster up the courage to amp up the dirty talk,” he said, continuing with “let alone tell her about the dildo in my closet!” I feel your pain buddy.
In a new relationship, it can be a little nerve wracking to to open up about your sexual druthers. Before you’re in the sweat-pants-and-chinese-takeout phase of comfort, talking about your dom/sub preferences or your penchant for having sex in movie theatres can be a challenge. You don’t want to scare off your new boo, but you don’t want to wait 6 months before you find out that despite being attracted to them, you’re sexually incompatible.
So do you bring it up right away, or wait before letting your freak flag fly? Like the type A control freak that I am, I will break it down into options:
Bring it up right away
Okay, not right RIGHT away. My college roomie has a horror story of a douchenug who asked about her favorite sex position on their first date in the middle of an Outback Steakhouse. It was their only date, obviously. While this is a bad idea, if you’re already sleeping with someone, it can’t hurt to gently bring up the conversation of sexual fantasies and preferences with “hey have you ever thought about…” or “how would you feel if I…”
Get it out of the way as soon as you feel comfortable. I like to have these convos while still snuggled up, post-coitus. They usually go best if you begin with some flowery description about how amazing your partner is at oral sex/that position you like/finger ninja-ing.
Wait it out…
Waiting until you’re in a more serious—or at least semi-regular—thing can be good because it’s easier to be completely open with someone your totally comfortable with. You will feel less embarrassed about bringing things up, and they will probably be more open to whatever you mention, and more likely to share their own preferences in return.
However, the downfall of this is if they aren’t into whatever you mention at all, it will be a bummer because you’re already pretty into them. Even worse is if they’re totally turned off by it, or feel like the trust has been violated because you waited 6 months to tell them how you only get off if you think about fluffies. Sexy kinda.
There is no talk, there is only do
This is the other option. Don’t bring it up at all, just wait until you feel comfortable sexually and then go for it, physically. Put on those nurse’s scrubs you keep under the bed, or the 8 inch heels. Maneuver into that new position. Put your finger where your finger has not yet ventured! You do you.
However, these situations—where you offer no conversation or forewarning—have the potential to go really bad. For instance, I can only imagine my ex’s new girlfriend’s face when he wordlessly pulls a dildo out of his closet.
Okay, what option do you go with?
I originally wrote this article for my column on iEatGrass.com, The Lusty Vegan.