The Lusty Vegan: Let’s Talk About Penis Size

This article was originally published on iEatGrass.

Here is a fun Friday fact for ya: currently there is a contest running in Denmark where the guy with the smallest penis wins an iPhone. Those who come in second and third win an iPad. The contest is run by an erotica site,, and is most definitely just a publicity stunt. To win, contestants have to submit pictures of themselves fully erect with a tape measurer, for reference. The site owner says he hopes the contest will help break the stigma that small penises are a bad thing…because apparently being rewarded with an expensive electronic will undo years of bodily shame.

I hadn’t planned on writing about the “size matters” topic for a few reasons. The first is that I feel like it’s an over-discussed issue. Yada yada yada, does size matter? But then I posted the tiny penis contest on our TLV Facebook group and people were still openly pondering the answer. (By people, I mean men.) The short answer is yes, it does matter, and the long answer is no, it doesn’t. Wait what?

In America we’re obsessed with size. Big cars, little cars, big soft drinks, little electronics, big portion sizes, little dogs! And size is especially prevalent when it comes to body images; we want little bodies even though the majority of us have big ones…probably because of our inflated portion sizes. And because porn typically features men born with a third leg, average to small men are left feeling, well, shafted. But in truth the average penis size is much, much smaller than we imagine it to be—around 5 ½ inches raring to go.

The other reason I have been avoiding this topic is because I tackled it in one of the first pieces I ever had published, and it was disastrous. The article, for a popular women’s website, was about the size of an ex’s dick. It was supposed to be a humorous piece; I was trying to be funny, which is really hard to do in your writing, and I guess I failed pretty miserably at it in this case.

I was writing about how my ex had a very small penis, but how I didn’t really mind. I listed a bunch of reasons I didn’t mind, and they were all sort of back-handed and catty. I was totally body shaming him, and it didn’t come off as funny, it came off as bitter and bitchy. This was for a pretty well known site, and I had tons of people leave comments about how I was a terrible person. They started talking bad about my body, and my morals, and I had to stop reading the comments for fear of ending up on a therapist’s couch. Really, they were awful. But I guess I deserved it. And it was especially sad because this was about an ex from a million years ago, and there aren’t any hard feelings between us, but that’s not how it came off in the piece. My overall message was completely lost—that yes, he had the smallest dick I had ever seen (sorry, buddy!) but that I was crazy about him anyway, and it wasn’t that big of an issue. Until I started writing about it on the internet, that is. Ah, regrets!

My nugget of wisdom about size actually comes from my mother. It is this: You don’t want to be on either extreme of the size spectrum. An extremely small penis may affect a guy’s confidence level, but yes, it also may not provide that “full” feeling women are after. In general, because of the way our bits are built, girth matters more than length as far as achieving that desired fullness. However, just like every man is different, every woman is different, and our ideal fit and feel will vary.

On the other hand, if you’ve got a real cockasaurus, you’re going to run into other issues. Being too large can be painful for both the woman AND the man. Read about this interview I did in college with a friend whose abundance was talked about all over campus. He was known as the kid with the huge dick, and while he admittedly liked the reputation, it made sex really difficult for him.

What I had wanted to convey in my ill-fated, ill-humored story I wrote in my stupid, insensitive youth (it was like two years ago…whatever!) was that when you love someone, you love their dick. Period. Circumcised, not circumcised, small, medium, large or absolutely monstrous, you work with it. And if someone really is going to ditch you based on what you’re stuffing in your gym shorts, well why would you wanna waste your time with that asshole anyway?

So yes, size matters. If you’re very small or very large, it will affect how you feel inside a woman. The preference will of course vary  from woman to woman, Goldicocks style. (This one’s jussssst right.) And I do know some who prefer their cocks run a size small. Basically any woman who enjoys anal sex. I also don’t know any woman who has ever truly expressed liking a porn-star sized monster. I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, and I would prefer to do so comfortably, thank you very much. But as far as finding someone who is going to accept what you’ve got to offer, size shouldn’t matter. When picking a partner, the right sized dick isn’t usually one of the top qualities you’re looking to check off. I am, however, still waiting for a trashy reality TV show to pop up and prove me wrong. The show will be called Dating For Dick.

The Lusty Vegan is a lifestyle and sex column focusing on living and loving as a twenty-something year old vegan. More rants from Zoe Eisenberg can be found at Follow her on Twitter @Sexytofublog.


About SexyTofu

Good food. Good sex. Good fun.
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5 Responses to The Lusty Vegan: Let’s Talk About Penis Size

  1. Eric Benac says:

    “I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, and I would prefer to do so comfortably, thank you very much” is a hilarious line.

    I like reading about this kind of stuff from the female perspective. It’s not that men are stupid but…we are.

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