Hey Tennessee, I’ll Show You Some Gateway Sexual Behavior

Hitachis double as a club when you’re angry

So how about Tennessee banning the mention of “Gateway Sexual Behavior?” from all sex ed classes?

Sort of like weed being the supposed gateway to heroin, Tennessee claims groping and crotch nuzzling are a direct entryway to rampid fuckery. A controversial bill is currently underway that would ban all teachers from teaching any “gateway” sexual activity. In fact, it suggests all teachers promote abstinence. Behind the bill are pro-marriage institutes, supposedly hoping teens will wait until marriage to have sex—the reason why people marry so much younger in the south, perhaps?

When I first heard about this bill I was horrified. We’re regressing! I thought. It’s 2012, people! I am posting photos of my sex toys on the Internet, and a couple hundred miles away they are banning the discussion of fingerblasting in the classroom? According to state representative John DeBerry in his testimony to the Tennessee House of Representatives, “Everybody knows there are certain buttons when you push them, certain switches when you turn them on, there’s no stopping, especially for undisciplined, untrained, untaught and unraised children who just want to feel affection from somebody or anybody.”

Oh goodness, this is disgusting on so many levels. DeBerry makes these children seem like wild animals—mangey “untrained” dogs starved for a pat on the back or a nice bone (heh). He also calls them “unraised” which is a direct dig at their parents, no? The bills specifically calls out any groin contact, boobage, butt fondling, and thigh molestation…basically everything that makes you popular in high school. Jokes! We all know excellent grades and a schedule heavenly laden with extracurricular activities are the keys to high school popularity. The bill doesn’t mention kissing and hand holding, which I guess are cool.

Luckily, Planned Parenthood of the Greater Memphis region comes to the rescue explaining that students need MORE information about their changing bodies, their sexuality and of course, safe sex, sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy.

And the ever entertaining Steven Colbert made fun of the bill when he said “kissing and hugging are just the last stop before the train pulls into Groin Central Station. We desperately need to intervene earlier keep kids from engaging in … all the things that lead to the things that lead to sex.”

Gateway describes something negative, and while unprotected sex is dangerous, sex certainly is not and shouldn’t be portrayed that way. It’s natural, it’s beautiful, and kids are going to do it regardless of what the teachers say. In fact, if it isn’t allowed to be discussed, that makes it taboo, and if it’s taboo, than you can be damned sure that those Seven Minutes in Heaven games are about to get a lot more interesting. (It probably takes the average teenage boy seven seconds actually…sad but true!)

Teachers need to talk MORE about sex, mainly the ways to do it safely, not less!

Who remembers their Sex Ed? I sort of do. My male health teacher made us watch a video of a birth, but was so uncomfortable, he left the room while we passed notes about felating each other after school watched it. But before he left, he told a story about how he showed up to the birth of his son with a catcher’s mitt and crouched down at the receiving end—a joke which his laboring wife did not find funny.

I don’t remember anything else from Sex Ed because I used to skip health class to chain smoke in the parking lot with my boyfriend who later dumped me because he realized he liked men. No hard feelings, though—not my fault I don’t own a penis! However, I don’t believe my high school actually had a solid sex ed program, all we did was watch that Lifetime movie where Kirsten Dunst gets knocked up by her loser boyfriend. Most of what I learned from sex came from my friends, my parents, the Internet, and a few dirty magazines my brother had.

My friends severely misinformed me. One told me that semen burns your mouth and tastes like sewage and you will have sores in your mouth for days. Either she hadn’t actually gone down on anyone, or she was blowing that smelly yellow dude from Sin City.

Nightmares! Don’t blow him! Not ever!

When passing notes back and forth about blow jobs—I know, because I saved this note and plan to read it at her wedding—she wrote “Lol. I bet he would get a huge boner in your mouth.” Well…yes…that’s the point. But at the time this was funny and gross.

I WISH someone had sat me down and had a serious sex talk with me in school, even if I rolled my eyes and pretended not to be interested. I also think teachers should be pro masturbation. I would have had so many less problems growing up if I was just diddling myself on the reg afterschool. Seriously! Wait…where are you going?

Okay, who remembers Sex Ed? Who is pissy with Tennessee?


About SexyTofu

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14 Responses to Hey Tennessee, I’ll Show You Some Gateway Sexual Behavior

  1. GOOCHIE says:

    This is utter BS I am a product of Shelby county schools ( millington/Memphis area) and I know they have to be kidding! This is not the damn stone age or a scene from pleasantville !!! Kids could probably teach the course these days.

  2. michaelgknox says:

    These old guys in the TN legislature, who not doubt wear Depends and have ED should keep their collective noses out of something they have not done in years!

  3. Where are the sheets on your bed??? Love Mom

  4. asianbadass says:

    In the immortal words from The West Wing:
    “Show your average teenager a condom and their thoughts will turn to sex.”
    “Show your average teenager a DOORKNOB and their thoughts will turn to sex.”

    I agree that sex is such a natural element of life, whether it be pretty or ugly, and to deny it will only cause a small fragile dam to be built on a raging river. Sooner or later that dam will burst and I think the collateral damage will be worse than if they had let nature run its course. Or hell, they could help it along.

    Also, speaking of Hitachis (holy crap, my friend mentioned them to me but those things are a beast…), Japanese culture is a perfect example of what happens when you sexually repress a culture for too long. They come up with robot sex dolls and draw cartoon girls getting violated by demon penis monsters.

    Yeah…I think sex ed is better.

    • SexyTofu says:

      Yes! aha demon penis monsters, for sure! Have you ever heard of Hentai? Octopus rape porn! http://sexytofu.com/2010/12/20/tentacles-not-just-for-calamari/

      • asianbadass says:

        I used to be a Japanese anime translator back in the early 2000’s. One of the things I had to do was translate hentai. I swear, I love sex, but when you have to time code spot your own translations, it takes a lot of the fun out of it! You have to wear these ambient noise killing headphones and all you hear in your ears is people having sex. And the sound effects!!

        I quote myself from when I hosted a panel discussion on how to translate animation at some convention I had to attend and one of the questions asked by a fan was, “You get to watch hentai all day. Do you have like the greatest job, ever?”

        My reply: Well, let me explain something. Time code spotting hentai is like going to the beach, finding a beautiful conch shell and bringing it to your ear. But instead of hearing distant sounds of the waves, you hear the acute sounds of a boot stuck in mud only wetter. Ever want to know what an enema sounds like? Yeah, me neither. So to answer your question, it’s actually ear rape, and I’d rather drive an electric toothbrush into my temporal lobe. Next question.

      • SexyTofu says:

        Hahahaha GROSS! I bet you monitor your own sex noises after that. BUT holy nuggets, I never even thought someone would ever have a job like that! Thanks for the mind blow!

      • asianbadass says:

        Nah. If the sex is good then you ignore all that. But yeah, I didn’t know that was a requirement either. I started translating back in 1998 when everything was still on VHS. Then when things went digital they started requiring us to do the time coding too. I didn’t even know they had scripts for these things! But they are like books a full 3 inches thick, I swear…

        But then I suppose even a penis demon needs a backstory.

  5. SexyTofu says:

    “Every penis demon needs a backstory.” YOU are incredible. I have an Inter-crush on you.

    • asianbadass says:

      Awww…shucks. You’re making a former animated smut peddler blush! It was inter-love at first click for me too.

      Now you want to talk REAL weird, is the live action interpretation of those penis demon octo rape cartoons. The tentacles are being operated by what I can only imagine is a seriously disturbed puppeteer with a penchant for S&M.

  6. Mark Eisenberg says:

    Although this abstinence idiocy seems laughable, it’s only the tip of the iceberg…States have been doing their best to roll back abortion rights & defund Planned Parenthood operations all through the country, ever since the Republicans came to power in so many states in 2010…it’s become a serious problem that all women in your generation should be paying attention to…

    (And, yes, I am Zoe’s Dad…who else would be lecturing her on her own blog?!?)

  7. NICK says:

    hahahahah your male sex teacher sounds like such a lovable douchebag!

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