In the following exchange, my friend Tyler, who often lets me pick his brain and publish the results, comes to me for advice on how to meet women. I don’t think Tyler needs help attracting women, he is an attractive dude, but he came to me for help. Like most intelligent people, he knows how to get what he wants: through flattery. Read as I dub his brand-new style “Hipster Clean” and send him off on his merry way to charm the pants off some poor unsuspecting Southern belle. Oh, and note that halfway through this conversation Tyler comes to the conclusion I am basically dressing him like my boyfriend. Also please excuse the fact that this was an online conversation, thus some online lingo, bad punctuation and Tyler’s ridiculous exclamatories, like “fuggin.” Please note that these are MY opinions, and I am dressing him like someone I would want to have sex with. So feel free to argue them in the comment section.
Tyler: So zoe, you’re all hip (SEE. FLATTERY.). i need some advice on how to be hip like you. you know.
Z: Is this in reference to you wanting to start a blog? I think you’re pretty hip.
Well kinda. I’m starting the blog this week, but I wanted your opinion on what you like your men to look like. I have no conception of what women really like, and I feel like i’m dressing like an old man.
Oh! Okay. Men should look put together but not like they tried to be put together. I also am a big fan of men in glasses, and with nice shoes. Oh, and no more hoodies in public.
No hoodies in public?
No more. It reminds me of high school.
That sucks. I fuggin’ love hoodies
Well I guess it depends. if you’re goin out..don’t wear a hoodie. Grocery store and gym, fine.
No! this has to be cut and dry. Like the ten commandments. I just don’t know where to begin. I don’t want to look preppy, but I don’t wanna look like I smoke Newports and drink PBR either
Okay then no more hoodies anywhere you think you might meet a lady. Gross Newports, that reminds me of the 7th grade. Okay so not a total hipster or yuppie.
Yeah like in-between.
I like that. There you go. Hipster Clean.
Well what do you wear now?
Jeans, high top Nikes and t-shirts. Sometimes a button down plaid something when I go out.
I like men in button ups. I also like men in sweaters but not gross sweaters. Mostly I like men in sweaters because I know I will steal them after we have sex.
That’s an interesting reason to like sweaters….quoted.
Haha. “That sweater looks soft…soon it shall be MINE”
You must have a lot of sweaters…
Hey, watch it! All the man sweaters I have come from the same small handful of men…(AS IF I NEED TO DEFEND MY SWEATER COLLECTION.)
Hah. What about a proper cut of jeans. Apparently girls like a slight hint of junk in the front. Which surprised me.
It’s not the junk, it’s the butt…But there is a fine line…too tight and it’s all wrong and you look like you’re a DJ in Williamsburg. But too baggy and you look all skinny and ick.
I looked at this photo and went MMMM. That’s the reaction you want.
It is good to have a pair of plain dark jeans to go out in.
I think my jeans might be a bit tight. two options: run or get different jeans. Running is cheaper.
Haha. Get ONE new pair of jeans and then run until your old ones fit. Oh wait! More important: boxers or briefs!?!
I do boxer briefs. Is that bad? SHOULD I WEAR BOXERS?
Haha no it was a trick question. The answer is always boxer briefs!
AWWW yea, my underwear is hip.
Do you have a nice pair of shoes?!
Yeah man, I love shoes. I wear Nike high tops.
Those are sneakers. I am talking SHOES.
OH geez, like what? Like loafers or something?
Here are some man shoe styles I want on my floor:
Yes. On my floor. Along with the rest of their clothing.
OH. Does your boyfriend dress similarly to this?
Now that you mention it…yes…he has more shoes than I do. Well that is probably not true but he has a good baker’s dozen.
Omgwtf. Well I need to increase my standards in women. Thusly I need to increase my standards in my clothing.
Well he also wears tight jeans and has a mohawk that flops down all free-willy-in-captivity style. He is all hipster, and no clean. So…not what you’re goin for.
Ah interesting, didn’t think you’d date a dude with a mohawk.
I don’t care how he wears his hair. I like him to wear it how he likes it.
I suppose that is nice.
What kinda jacket you wearing?
None atm. I just wear regular jackets really… mostly hoodies. Spare me the lightning.
What is a “regular” jacket?
Oh shit, I don’t know.
No, I get it hoodies are mad comfy. I just stopped wearing them myself. Now if I want to be comfy I wear one of the aforementioned stolen man sweaters. Once, B (Editor’s note: My ex, who is also Tyler’s childhood best-friend) shrank all 8 of his sweaters at one time. I was given all of them! It was a glorious victory for my inner sweater hound.
I do the same thing with hats. I steal hats from girls. I don’t wear them, I just steal them.
Why do u steal them?
….so they always have to call me back. Just kidding, it just sorta happens. I don’t actually steal them, just end up left at my place or in my car or something.
I remember you wearing a pea coat.
Yes, I do wear pea coats. Good or bad?
Good. But only in winter. Here, this jacket says I am stylish, not gay:
But it is kinda tight. Maybe don’t go that tight
Shit, that’s a nice jacket. I really like that.
Hey wow I feel good at this.
I knew it was a good idea to ask you.
My boyfriend also has a jacket like this, which confuses me, but does still make me want to undress him:
Hair is the same rule of thumb. Make it look good but not like you spent time making it look good.
Hmm okay. So girls don’t like obvious prissiness, just the more subtle kind of it.
Yes. Well..no. We don’t like any prissiness. We want you to look roll out of bed sexy. But most people don’t ACTUALLY roll out of bed sexy.
Holy shit, sounds like your expectations are as high as men’s are.
Personally, I hate hair product.
I want to touch a man’s hair and have it not be flakey and hard. So if you’re using product make sure it doesn’t crust up.
Pomade. Gives the hold, but retains natural feel.
There you go.
Okay….flash forward six weeks and I get this little gem in my Facebook inbox:
With your advice on clothing, i got a new outfit, and got laid. Thank you.
Okay so who wants to argue with me on how men should dress? Boxers or briefs? Hair product? Hoodies?! Men, how do you dress to impress?