Earlier this week I wrote about “Orgasms for Equality,” or the way that society seems to think male pleasure should take precedence over female. I got some terrific emails from readers following the post, and one was from reader Sam who is having some issues communicating her needs to her boyfriend—who seems to center their sexy time around himself.
She notes that she loves her boyfriend, that he is a great guy and that their chemistry is terrific, so my guess is that he is clueless, not cruel. She says that on all other fronts, their relationship is a good one. However, she also mentioned that her guy has actually complained about her sexual prowess, complaining about some things she is or is not doing, while at the same time he isn’t spending time on foreplay, prefers to be submissive when Sam herself is turned on by being dominated, and well, to quote “all I can think is that I don’t compare to his previous experiences or the porn stars he fantasizes about…”
Yikes! Okay, so what is really missing from this situation is NOT a specific position or hot new toy—what’s missing is communication. Sam wrote:
“I’ve been trying to remedy this by slowly integrating noises, putting his hands on my hot spots, getting dolled up for him, and watching redtube to learn new tricks.”
Sam, your guy seems to have communicated some of his preferences by complaining—which is not the best way to go about it, but does count as communication. Now that you know how much it hurts to have someone complain about your bedroom skills, use it as a guideline for what NOT to do. And try not to be offended—everyone likes something different, and a sexual connection changes from couple to couple. Maybe your last boyfriend loved for you to pay attention to his balls and your new guy shrivels up like a toddler in a tub the second you touch them—it isn’t you, it’s just a difference in taste.
Instead of saying “dude, it’s called a clitoris. I have one,” try complimenting him first on what you do like, and then verbally telling him something else you might like. These situations can be tricky because you don’t want to outright compare your sex to the sex you were having before– “well my last boyfriend would go down on my until he couldn’t feel his face anymore…” isn’t a great starting point. Tell him “I think it’s really hot when you take control,” or “I think it might really turn me on if you touched me this way.” No loving partner (and it seems, from the way you say you two are happy, that he is one) will hear that and NOT take action.
Another thing you can do is play teacher/student. I don’t mean dress up (although you can if you like…), I mean say to him “I want you to show me exactly how you like X…and then I am going to do that for as long as you like. After, I will show you what I like.” The key is to actually have a conversation about it. And sometimes it isn’t a good idea to have a conversation about sex in the bedroom, which should be a safe zone. Have it on the couch, or even in a public setting—over coffee or drinks?–if you’re not too shy.
And I do agree that when people watch too much porn, their expectations may alter, and it’s a sad sad thing. But I can also tell you that for sure your partner prefers sex with you—a real living breathing moving sexy creature—than any big boobed porn star with a bleached asshole and a mouth permanently poised for a money shot.
And any men reading this, take note and check in with your partner to make sure she is satisfied. Here, let me tell you a little story…
A few years back one of my friends got blind-sided by her boyfriend who dumped her out of nowhere. I came over to console her, and she was crying so hard she could barely speak. Finally she looked up and gasped, “no…you don’t understand….where will I EVER find another guy who can make me come three times in a row?” Men—you wan’t to be that guy. Actually, I hate that guy, he was a soul-less prick, but you want to be such an awesome, attentive lover that your partner is going to go through withdrawal from the mere thought of living a cold, lonely existence without your sex. Got it?
Open up, communicate! We have mouths! Use them for talking. And then other things.