Remember my rant on monkey-style sex last week, where I posted an excerpt from reader J Boybutter? Well, J Boybutter and I got to talking, and it turns out he is a vegansexual! You know…a vegan who won’t date a non-vegan.
I had never had the chance to actually dish with a vegansexual, so I was pretty tickled to learn this. In the following interview, J Boybutter tells me all about life as a vegansexual, and how to be an accomplished lover. And I apologize in advance that he uses the word “secretions,” which is my LEAST favorite word ever. Saying it is basically the No. 2 easiest way to make me squirm. The No. 1 way is to ball up your fist and put it in my armpit. Has anyone ever done that to you?! So weird! J does redeem himself, though, by also using the word cyprianophobia. Read on to learn what it means!
Also, note that English is not his first language. He is charmingly European. But he does so well with his English, that foxy polyglot!
How long have you been vegan?
I’ve was vegan from 1994 to 2000ish and then fell into the cheese habit for a couple of years and finally got out of it for good as a new years resolution. I went back to veganism in 2009 I’ve quit smoking a year later, mainly after seeing how the put monkeys under tests for cigarettes…. I loved smoking even though I knew it was bad for me. Quitting for the animals was easier. So, overall, I can say I’ve been vegan for about 9 years. Sorta. 6+3 = 9
Have you ever dated a non-vegan since you’ve been vegan?
Yes, in late 1994, early 1995. I dated a non-vegan in the early 2000s and did have a one night stand with a non-vegan in summer 2009. I’ve never dated a vegan actually. So, I think you can either say I’m a vergan (vegan virgin) or a non-practicing vegansexual.
Now you say when you find out a lady eats meat, you become romantically uninterested. Would you be bothered if someone became uninterested in you because you DON’T eat meat? I’m bothered by it all the time.
Nobody ever told me they stopped being interested when they learned I’m vegan, but I’m pretty sure some did. I’m suspecting that’s one of the reasons it didn’t work out with my ex girlfriend.
Is it just the idea of their flavor that turns you off a meat eater, or their ethics, too?
It’s both. It can taste weird down there. To be an accomplished lover, a man has to lick and kiss intimate parts of his partner. If it tastes leatherish, or meaty, it’s a turnoff to me. Having sex with someone is not just about giving pleasure. It’s also about receiving. You can make funny jokes about guys vs. girls and who’s the true receiver, but in the end, if my experience is spoiled by pungent and reeky body odors and secretions, I prefer to watch some erotic Tumblr porn on my iPhone.
I need an iPhone… So you find the flavor of a woman to be particularly unpleasant if she eats meat, correct?
Getting the meaty flavor out of the mouth is pretty easy, but it’s not as easy to get the flavor of vaginal secretions not to taste like what a lady eats. In 2009 I had sex with this omnivore lady and it felt like I was eating cat food. My ex was not eating as much meat as her, and I kinda tasted a difference. Then again, I’m not very experienced because of cyprianophobia. That’s the fear of prostitutes and STDs. Well actually, I just wanted to use that word, but not because I dislike oral sex.
Allow me to play devil’s advocate: How do you know you just don’t like the taste of lady, since you’ve never been with a vegan? Maybe you just don’t have a palate for p*ssy. Oh I hate that word, forgive me.
Haha! That’s a good one. My ex’s lovepot somewhat tasted like papaya sometimes. I can have a double serving of that! I do believe (partly) what the literature says about sex fluids and their relation to what one eats. And I know how short term it can be. I may not have cunnilingualized many women but I did often enough to say it does taste different from time to time. Why do you think chocolate is so popular for Valentine’s day? Come on! If ladies ate chocolate everyday, I think they’d get more oral sex.
Bananas and sweet potatoes! That’s what you should eat if you want to taste good. So, being a vegansexual limits your dating pool, right? How do you meet women?
Yes, it really does. They say 2 percent of ladies are vegan in the US. But I can’t think of having kids with a non-vegan. And time I would spend with a non-vegan lady is time I wouldn’t spend searching for a vegan partner. I tried veggiedate and it kinda sucked. I went to some veg speed dating events last year and the most attractive/sexy ladies were omnivores. What an irony. I’ve met many vegan ladies through the local veg association but most of them date omnivores and/or are not single. I go to vegetarian/vegan events as much as I can but I hate the potlucks…
Gimme your best pick-up line.
Want a piece of my banana bread? Do you want to know why veggie sausages are always harder than the meaty ones? I love vegan meat pie! I suck at pick-up lines.
There has been a whole bunch of fizzle in the news lately about vegans being better lovers. Per usual, PETA twisted tons of panties with their Valentine’s day campaign. Tell me, do you think you’re a better lover because you’re a vegan? Sell yourself! Tell me why.
Regarding everything I said previously, I’m supposed to taste better. One thing I’ve learned through the years is that when a lady says you’re good in bed, that means she had a chance to compare, and I’ve been told I was a lady’s best lover ever. And I can’t tell you how many guys she’s been with, but I know it’s many! Is it because I’m vegan? I’d like you to think so. I’m a hedonistic vegan. If one’s actions cause animals to suffer, one cannot be considered a true hedonist – In my book, that kinda makes sense. Some vegans like to say they cause less suffering, but I prefer to say I generate more pleasure by having a vegan lifestyle. Is your c*nt half wet or half dry? Is your dick half hard or half flaccid?
Speaking of which, I really can admit to having more uncontrolled erections since I quit consuming animal products. But I’m trying hard to save it for the vegan ladies. Not hard enough you might say, as I never had sex with a vegan lady.
Okay, tell me what you think about being a vegansexual! Are you one? Do you want to be interviewed on SexyTofu? Are you a single vegan lady and you want to date J Boybutter? This is not a dating website but maybe I would put in a good word for you. Maybe!