Today’s Rant: Contest Winners and Fancy Dick Break-Up Ballads

Wait until I Instagram that picture of your dick, dick

Woohoo! The winner of the 6 month membership to vegan culinary portal Spork Online is reader “Beans.” I picked the winner with, so that I wouldn’t be biased in my choice. However, I can completely related to Beans’ rant about V-day! An excerpt:

“I see Valentine’s Day as an excuse to see my man (he lives two hours away), eat some awesomely sensual vegan food, and have mind-blowing sex; who could hate that?!?!”

You and I agree, Beans!

On another note: This has nothing to do with Valentine’s day, or Spork Online, but with fancy penises. What!?!

My most recent ex once lovingly (?) told me he was terrified of being my ex-boyfriend for fear of what I would write about him on the internet. Seriously, I am suspicious it was at least 77 percent of the reason he didn’t want to break up. I’m batshit crazy and we lived 8 hours apart! There could be no other reason.

With that in mind, this video—courtesy of my fav procrastination website—is a terrific example of why break-ups and the internet go together like a night of heavy drinking and dairy products.

I’ve tried for twenty minutes to embed this but I’m being punished for that time I cruelly wrote about a (different) ex’s small penis on the internet. Bad karma. You should go watch this video, where Rachel Bloom sings a ballad to her ex’s small penis, the pictures of which she is Photoshopping into tuxedos and posting on the internet. (I never did any of that! I don’t have the Photoshop skills…) So, you will just have to go old-school style and just click on it. Do it. And if you know why’s videos will not embed on here correctly, get at me.If Breakup Ballads Were More Realistic (And Way Crazier) — powered by

About SexyTofu

Good food. Good sex. Good fun.
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