Some things just are not sexy. These things include dirty sponges, sand in your naughty bits, when body hair could be considered “fur” and a lame verbal come-on. If I’m not in the mood—it happens! I swear! Usually after I’ve eaten too much Indian food or have just finished researching STDs—and someone is trying to get me heated up, the last thing that will do it is a verbal come-on. You know, the whole “let’s have sex,” thing.
I have been in past relationships where this was a repeated offense despite the fact that it aggravated me everytime. Just because you’re in a long-term relationship, the art of seducing someone or playfully luring them into the bedroom should not be shoved to the back of the drawer with your laciest of lacies. It shows you are A. uncreative and B. lazy. An easy way to get someone in the mood, non-verbally, would be a casual thigh-rub , back massage, neck kiss or my favorite—the swoop in from behind. Nothing gets me faster than someone coming up behind me while I am cooking, folding laundry, having an intense conversation with my cat or other normal behavior, circling my waist and nibbling my ear, neck kissing or general all around fondling. Way hot. When touching is included, a verbal come-on can be added for effect. But the touching is essential. Perfect example of this verbal/non-verbal combo is in Closer when Clive Owen comes up behind Julia Roberts, hugs her waist, kisses her neck and says “fancy a friendly poke?” Yum. However, Clive Owen could stand four blocks away from with his back turned and scream “WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME” and I would oblige because, let’s be real here, it’s Clive Owen and he is a British silver fox(1). Anyways.
If sexy touching isn’t your turn on of choice, you can always go the playful route. A sex-ex(2) used to play this game called “naked man,” in which he would surprise his girlfriends (he told me about this before we were even playing doctor, so I knew this was a reoccurring trend for him…) as they returned from the bathroom with nudity. As in, they left him on the couch watching TV and when they return two minutes later he is still on the couch watching TV, sans clothing. Very funny, and effective. Also works if when they return you are naked except for funny costume apparel, like a pair of wings that span 5 feet, a football helmet or in the case of said sex-ex, an oversized, roided-out sombrero.
But I do not, and I repeat do not, attempt to seduce someone with a super lame verbal come-on. “So like, the Office is a rerun tonight…we could have sex.” “The pizza won’t be here for 35 minutes…we could have sex.” “You in the mood?” NO, I am not.
The only time a verbal come-on works is if you are saying something extremely clever or hot, preferably in some sort of raspy accent and after I have had a one or four vodka tonics.
1. British silver fox. An attractive older British man, preferably with stubble and a well defined jaw.
2. Sex-ex. Someone you never actually got to the relationship stage of a relationship with, therefore negating the term “ex,” because you were too distracted by nudity and/or they were emotionally constipated and/or aborted the relationship in the fetal stage because they are scared of commitment and/or didn’t really like you all that much.