I’m always going on about the importance of letting go and being yourself and accepting others and all that juicy stuff. You can’t possibly have good sex if you are constantly second guessing the way you look or sound or act. However, it’s important to remember that this is a two way street. Just like you would hate to be judged for asking for what you want from your partner, you have to be open and understanding to your partner’s needs, too.
And of course, just like class and the cast of The Jersey Shore, some things just aren’t meant to go together. Maybe what you crave from sex is a guy or girl who is super aggressive and allows you to just lay back and enjoy the ride, but the person you’re seeing is about as aggressive as Steve Carell in, oh any of his I’m-So-Endearingly-Awkward rom-com roles. You like x-rated dirty talk and battery powered toys and lakes of cinnamon flavored lube. They are happiest with missionary and the only talking they want to do is post-coital pillow talk. That is totally fine, and you shouldn’t judge them for it. You just either need to accept them for what they are, embrace it, or move on. Mocha Peanut Butter Coconut Chocolate Chip is an awesome ice cream flavor. So is Vanilla. But they are seriously different, and someone who covets crazy intense ice-cream flavors is just not going to be satisfied when they are served up Vanilla soft-serve. At the same time, a Vanilla connoisseur might be a bit overwhelmed if you start waving your Mocha Super Chunk in their face. Real talk.
While you may be able to introduce your partner to new things, you probably won’t be able to change them, and will only to be able to take them so far out of their comfort zone before they are hiding under the covers or shaking like they have hypothermia in the bathroom with the water running pretending they are “washing their face.” If you can’t find a middle ground you’re both comfortable with—say stepping up the dirty talk while still in a Vanilla flavored position, or getting in a crazier position and keeping your Mocha mouth closed—you should probably move on before you feel judged, become resentful or begin having really explicit naughty conversations in your head while getting down. That’s about as satisfying as imagining a five-star meal while you eat a frozen burrito. Plus, there is nothing worse than asking for something in bed—when you’re most vulnerable—to receive a horrified stare and a “you want me to what!?!!” You will suddenly become horribly aware of the fact that 1. You’re naked, 2. The lights are on and 3. Maybe you watch too much porn. No, silly, you don’t watch too much porn (no such thing!) you just need to find someone you’re sexually compatible with. Be yourself in bed, accept who you’re with, and keep the judgments for your ex’s fugly new girlfriend who he met on Match.com. Hmmm?