Today’s Rant: I’m Un-friending You. No, not on Facebook.


Over two years ago I wrote about the friend zone; how you get there, how you (don’t) get out, and of course, the exception to the rule. If you’re too lazy to go back and read my other post , I will give you a nice littler excerpt so you can get the flava flav.

The friend zone; that terrible place you find yourself when you have waited too long to make your move on someone you’re interested in, therefore stranding yourself in that non-negotiable dead end where you’re no longer considered an appealing member of the opposite sex, but a member of their own. A friend. For girls, you’re now one of the guys; expect to hear unending amounts of sports chatter and demeaning jokes. For guys, you may as well tuck your sack back because you’re in for a lot of man-hating rants and discussions about the menstrual cycle. Okay, I retract those statements- I’m being incredibly gender stereotypical. No matter what sex you are, if you find yourself stuck in the friend zone, it’s high time to move, because the more you keep on pining, the more familiar you will become with the words ‘just friends.’

You dig? The friend zone blows. I then went on to discuss the exception to the rule—oh, how He’s Just Not That Into You of me. Sometimes there is an exception, and it occurs when each friend has secretly thought the other was smokin’ hot and there is a level of sexual attraction, and due to circumstance (other relationships, job status, third cousin status) nothing is acted upon.

Whenever you hear those stories about couples who are madly in love now and “it’s so great, because we were friends first!”—they are exceptions to the rule. If they claim they truly were “just friends!” feel free to smack them, because they are delusional. Yes, they may have had a friendship, but also they often thought about what the other might look like naked. As a result, they were able to get over that friend hurdle.  I have plenty of foxy fresh male friends who I don’t think about naked, because they are in the friend zone, and we could never change that because it would be like tonguing my brother. My brother is good looking—but id rather gouge out my eyes than see him naked.

In short, the friend zone is negated when you are sexually attracted to one another.

So, what happens if there is someone who had been just a “friend”–say, because when you met he was dating your old roommate or in your ex-boyfriend’s garage band and therefore “off limits”—but who you always kind of fancied, and five or six years later you realize that maybe the friend zone is an absurd place to (pretend to) put them because A they are awesome B they always smell insanely good even when covered in sweat and C they have an ass that looks like it was sculpted from clay by the hands of Michelangelo himself. You know, something like that. And maybe, for some ridiculous reason, this friend also would like to make out with you, even when sober. Even when you haven’t slept all night and look like a raccoon. Even when they know there is a good possibility that you haven’t bathed for over 24 hours and spent the whole evening dancing at a Manu Chao show, are covered in the sweat of strangers and smell really, really bad. Even after all that, they still think it’s a good idea to kiss you in the subway station while you wait for a train that decides never to come. Okay, cool, congratulations! The friend zone has been skillfully maneuvered out of. But now what!?

Now, things will be eerily different while also eerily the same—sort of like having sex with an ex after a gap of a few years. It’s familiar, but at the same time, very different. There are many positives to dating someone you had been “friends” with for years. For one, you don’t have to worry about them suddenly realizing you’re insane and/or emotionally unstable and deciding to not like you anymore. They are your friend—they know all about your delusional crazies already. Also, there is already a level of respect and trust established so the likelihood of them doing things like lying to you or sleeping with a hooker and then giving you crabs is minimal(ish).

And then, of course, there are negatives. If you are the type of friends who used to complain about your love lives constantly, then you know they aren’t exactly over their last girlfriend, and they know about that time that guy you dated who was into S&M burst 3 blood vessels on your ass… Neither of those are things that are great to be fresh in your mind when trying to begin dating someone. Plus, there is always the risk of things going sour and you seriously messing up your friendship.

So if you think you might want to make some moves and remove some friendly boundaries, be sure to weigh out the pros and cons. Is this someone you actually like and could see yourself maybe dating? Go for it—even if it gets messed up, if you remain respectful you can probably mend the friendship at some point. To amp yourself up for the moves you have to make, listen to Faded, by Soul Decision. It will pump you up. Do you just want to (finally!) see what they look like naked? Better to pawn your single friend off on them and convince them to take photos, or better yet, hide in the closet while shit goes down. What?!


About SexyTofu

Good food. Good sex. Good fun.
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3 Responses to Today’s Rant: I’m Un-friending You. No, not on Facebook.

  1. Pingback: The Lusty Vegan: Fact or Fiction—Can Men and Women Really Be “Just Friends?” | I Eat Grass

  2. Pingback: Dating as a Non-Vegansexual (an iEatGrass Reroute) « Sexy Tofu

  3. Pingback: The Lusty Vegan: Dating as a Non-Vegansexual | I Eat Grass

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