If You Don’t Carry Protection, Don’t Cry to Me When You’re Pregnant


In college I lived with a bunch of girls. I mean, I went through a ton of room mates, often living with up to six other (yes six!) crazy females at a time. Once there were six of us plus another unofficial roommate who lived on our couch and kept all of her clothes shoved in one of the drawers of our entertainment unit. I was also always changing roommates, because they were always doing terrible things. One had a boyfriend who used to urinate in my belongings (IE my Nestles chocolate milk container—pre-vegan days—and my re-usable water bottles). Another used to steal all of my things (clothes, perfume, sex toys..). Another slept with a guy I’d been dating who had just recently masticated my heart into a bloody sludgy puddle that sort of resembled the nice glass of beet juice I just had with my lunch.

Anyways, throughout my college career I probably lived with about 20 different girls. And for some reason, they all used to come to me to dish up on their sex lives. ALL of them. Even then ones who didn’t much like me. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I wrote our college sex column or the Good Bush, Bad Bush T-shirt I strutted around in—pantsless of course.

To get to my point, I had this one (really really) stupid roomie who was contraceptionally challenged. I mean, girl couldn’t have safe sex to save her life. We were constantly having incredibly frustrating conversations about her stupidity. Here is an example of one of such conversations. I am going to call her Slutface Sally. (That’s mean! She was really cute. The stupid ones usually are..)

Slutface Sally: (after barging into my room uninvited and unannounced). Ugh—I am so pissed.
Me: Wait—you’re about to sit on my Hitachi Magic Wand! Okay, that’s better. What’s up?
Slutface: You know that guy on the lax team I’ve been talking to?
Me: The one with the mexi-stache or the one with the biceps that look like baby animals rolling around in a blanket?
Slutface: Uhm..the biceps. Anyways. I went home with him last night.
Me: Yes, and…
Slutface: ANNDD, he didn’t have a condom!
Me: Ouch, so you walked all the way across campus for no reason? Hey what’s the lax house like anyways? Do they really have stripper poles?
Slutface: No, no, well—maybe—but no, we had sex.
Me: So you had the condoms?
Slutface: What? No, I don’t carry condoms. I don’t want him to think I’m super easy!
Me: So you..
Slutface: We didn’t use one. He pulled out though. I think.
Me: (long I’m-gonna-smack-your-head-and-hear-a-hollow-sound stare)
Slutface: What! I walked all the way across campus! And I wanted to see if he was well hung.
Me: (more staring)
Slutface: He wasn’t.
Me: Did it ever occur to you he was only saying he didn’t have a condom so he didn’t have to wear one? I mean..did he ask any of his lax bruddahs? It was the LAX HOUSE. They probably have dispensers in the bathrooms.
Slutface: Oh..I didn’t think of that… Anyways, what should I do now?
Me: Depends if you’re planning on having any babies with weirdly frolicsome biceps within the next, oh, 9 months.

Needless to say, Slutface and I drove to get Plan B.  I spent the entire car ride there and back heckling her into going to get tested for STDS, which she also thought would make her seem easy. The point here is, had slutface (ah, so mean!) been carrying her own contraception, this never would have happened. And yet when I suggested it, she counter argued that girls who carry condoms are labeled easy. I am not sure when or how this became a notion, but any girl who carries a condom around is smart and responsible, not slutty (although she might be slutty too, you never know).

People who carry around protection—regardless of their gender—are super cool and crafty, in my opinion. Extra points if you carry them in weird places, like to go get your pants hemmed or to Starbucks at 2 pm on a Tuesday. You never know when someone is gonna wanna get down.

Once, on a short hike with a guy I was seeing (naked), we started getting a little playful (all the fresh air!) and I was super impressed that he had stuck some rubbers in his pocket before we headed out. When I discovered this and gave him kudos, I am pretty sure he even said something like “I was a boy scout!” Whatever, dude was prepared.

If you as a woman are not down with carrying condoms in your purse for anyone (like your snoopy office cube-mate or someone who might happen to mug you) to see, get one of these cute little condom compacts from Justincaseinc.com. They are disguised as a simple mirror compact with room for two rubbers! Problem solved.

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About SexyTofu

Good food. Good sex. Good fun.
This entry was posted in Health, Sex and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to If You Don’t Carry Protection, Don’t Cry to Me When You’re Pregnant

  1. Marty Krutolow says:

    Great blog and a public service too.

    Uh, just to clarify, were you on a short hike naked or seeing short hike naked or was he naked or well, that’s really confusing. and this is a very important point.

    Marty from Marty’s Flying Vegan Review
    http://www.martysnycveggiereview.blogspot.com
    @veganpilotmarty

    • sexytofu says:

      Haha, no hiking naked is not good in New Engand where there are lots of poison ivy, snakes and misquitos! What I meant was that I usually see this guy naked, as in we see eachother naked..as in we like to get naked together! Yes very important, glad I could clarify any confusion!

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