Lube; Not Just For 13 Year Old Boys and Dried Up Old Ladies.

so not vegan…

This was an article I wrote in September 2009 for Sex, or Something Like It, my column in my college paper. I feel like lube has a bad rap, so I am posting this here to reiterate my appreciation for the slippery stuff, and convince any anti-lubers to broaden their sexual horizon and give it a shot…literally

Lube is entirely underrated. It can add pizzazz to even the most ho-hum sexual encounter and is a great way to make interesting conversation at brunch (“so who else got their lube on last night?”). Also, if your significant other is a bit of a cheap skate when it comes to foreplay, lube can make up for lost time and bodily fluids.

According to a study on female sexual dysfunction done by the American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP), 19% of women ages 20-30 have issues with vaginal dryness, and this percentage only increases with age. On top of this, it’s not uncommon for women to have trouble getting juiced up after they have been drinking, even if they think they are good to go (too drunk for their lady bits to communicate successfully with their brain).

Despite Jonah Hill’s laments in SuperBad, most girls would (or shouldbe ecstatic if a guy pulled a “tiny bottle of spermicidal lube” out of their pocket at 3 am on a Saturday night, especially if they have been drinking. Cotton Vagisitis, the female equivalent to “whiskey dick”  (okay, I made that up…) is known to occur when a female has indulged in too much liquid courage before crawling under the covers (or in the bathroom at a random townhouse). When it occurs, C.V will not only make sex difficult, it will greatly reduce the level of fun. Even worse, if the girl is too drunk to notice there’s not enough juice in her caboose, she will certainly feel the pain the next morning, along with her killer hangover.

Even if you don’t need the extra help getting wet n’ wild, don’t write lube off completely. There are tons of different brands and varieties to intrigue even the prudest of prudes; Durex Play Warmer adds a nice tingling sensation and comes in a really convenient pump to minimize mess-making. However, because I KNOW you’re looking for vegan lubes (right?) Good Clean Love makes natural feeling water-based lubricants that come in flavors like cinnamon vanilla  and don’t hurt anyone in the process.

I know lube is a bit embarrassing to buy at the store, so try to have fun with the situation by picking the check out line with the most conservative looking individual behind it (anyone over the age of 70 will also do) and throwing down your selection of love lotion with a confident grin. You should also buy an economy sized pack of condoms and/or a zucchini, cucumber or any other fallaciously shaped vegetable. To top off the deliciously awkward encounter, it is also a good idea to say something like “you know what I’m doing tonight.”

Got any tips for a great lubricant? Questions? Leave a comment and let me know!


About SexyTofu

Good food. Good sex. Good fun.
This entry was posted in Fetish Confession, Sex and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Lube; Not Just For 13 Year Old Boys and Dried Up Old Ladies.

  1. Annie says:

    Ya haven’t really been wet and wild till ya try Sex Grease! It’s available at or Amazon.
    “The gel-like water-base of Sex Grease is enriched with herbs such as marigold, elder, chamomile and myrrh as well as B vitamins for the overall health of delicate tissues. It is pH-balanced, non-staining odorless and colorless. Comfortable and long-lasting. Made to be used with or without condoms. and pH-balanced for those with allergies and sensitive skin”
    Have safe, slippery fun :~)

  2. Pingback: Set the mood « Sexy Tofu

  3. Pingback: The Lusty Vegan: On Insensitivity, Playing Games, and Blossom | I Eat Grass

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